Monday, January 12, 2009

Letting Go

On Thursday I was going to write a blog with this title but it went out of my mind.

I was lying down doing meditation at the end of a Body Balance class at the gym and all of a sudden my mind took my back to one of the worst moments in my hospitality career, where i got a warning for something stupid.  I only worked there for 3 months and now I have my own successful business.  Why is it that something like that can still upset me so much?

I have to learn to not think about it.  I guess I was just really embarrassed as people would think of me as that girl, and normally I am so conscientious.

This morning I had a fight with the beau about my brother going away when he owes us rent money.  He paid last week for the first time and I think that if we just go on the way we are he will pay every week.  but the beau wants him to ay the last four weeks as well now that he has some work.  I just think why discourage him when he is trying to do the right thing.  Say thanks and encourage him.  

The beau says that he had to pay his way his whole life and that he hates people who were brought up with a silver spoon in their mouth (my brother owes several family members what I think is a lot of money).  Well, we were brought up by the same people and he is living in an apartment with discounted rent because it is owned by a relative.

I feel like he is having a dig at me as well as my brother.  The beau also said that as soon as we took a step forward we take one backwards.  Meaning that when we got engaged my brother moved in.  Well my brother moved in before we got engaged - I didn't know he was going to propose.

I didn't raise my voice throughout this (I have a hideous temper) or say anything mean, apart from I wanted to move out if that was what he thought of me really.  Maybe we are too different.  I haven't suffered through half of what he had known in his life and we just don't come from the same viewpoint. 

Will this make a difference in the long run?  What if we are arguing the same thing about our children.

Does he resent my brother?  Is he jealous?  My brother life is not really to be envied (he has a new business, a on/off girlfriend, lives with his sister and her fiance, owes huge amounts of money and is owed money by his old boss).  Whereas the beau has a new career ahead of him, is just engaged (to someone who loves him very much), is living in a nice home and we have plans or the future.

I hope he doesn't make me choose.  I know that my brother would have a hard time dealing with it if I chose my beau.  I know he needs to toughen up but he is my baby brother.  I want to look out for him.  The beaus little sister is the same.  Is this a younger sibling thing?
I know that if I chose my brother I would not be forgiven.  Ever.  That would be it. 

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